It’s been five months since you cut things off with your ex girlfriend—enough time for you to realize you’re not just lonely and craving some affection, but geniunely miss her company, value the assets she brought to the table (smart as hell, fun-loving, athletic), and—dammit!—realize you’re not going to do any better than this. So, if you didn’t royally screw things up too badly with the breakup and you didn’t end things because of something poisonous, like one of you cheated 12 times, hate each other’s family, and have clashing goals in life, there’s a chance you can salvage things.
Sonya Kreizman, dating expert and CEO of Crush Mobile, and co-founder of MiCrush Dating App, offers up five ways to win her over (again).
Start dating other people. For one, it can validate whether you’re missing your ex for the right reasons or if you just want to have a girlfriend. Big difference between the two. Plus, your ex will re-evaluate your relationship together, think of the time spent, and inevitably feel a bit jealous if she still has feelings for you. “At times, when an ex sees you happily meeting up and hanging out with someone new, it may draw them in closer to re-commit to you,” Kreizman says. Just don’t blast social media with pictures and updates of every date and waking moment you spend with a new woman. Aside from pushing your ex away and leading on the new girl, it’s overkill. It’s annoying. And, quite frankly, no one wants to see that.
“Occupy your time with new events and hobbies and make yourself interesting again,” Kreizman says. Don’t over-expose your new life to your ex by blowing up her phone with every new skill and sport you learn. “Subtle messages and posts leave a little mystery and are elusive enough to show that you’re enjoying your newly single self,” Kreizman adds.
You can even plan a big vacation and share some of the details with your ex the next time you catch up. “Drop hints about what you’re excited about—exploring, learning new cultures, maybe even something that you discussed while you were dating,” Kreizman says. “Not only will your adventure be her regret, but the passion will surface and the desire to share the experience will increase relationship growth.”
Join a gym, run a marathon, make any place your own personal fitness space. You’ll feel amazing and enjoy a more muscular physique. “The term ‘revenge body’ was created for a reason,” Kreizman says. She’ll notice you’re taking more of a vested interested in your well-being, and that’s sexy.
Before you broach the topic of getting together again, set a time and place to get together and break the ice. (Note: This is not when/where you’re having “the talk,” but rather a chance to show how you’ve changed.) Coffee’s fine, but don’t be afraid of asking her out for dinner or making plans for a day date to keep it a bit more casual. “I don’t think that planning an elaborate date looks desperate if you plan on winning back the love of your life,” Kreizman says.
But realize your approach to winning her back completely depends on why you broke up. If your life was consumed by your job and you didn’t cater enough time in your day to enjoying a healthy, active lifestyle together (something very important to her), then you need to show visible progress when asking for a second chance, she explains. Invite her for a bike ride, a run in the park, or an activity you normally wouldn’t have done in the past—whether you didn’t make the time or didn’t want to break out of your own routine. “Say, ‘This is not the first or last time we are going to do this. I realize how important this is for you, and I will do my best to work on what bothered you,'” Kreizman suggests.
Have the “I Want to Get Back Together” Conversation
It’s important for you to pick a place where a serious conversation can be held. (Don’t make her choose!) “I would not recommend a restaurant, because it might be awkward to have such a serious discussion surrounded by other people eavesdropping,” Kreizman says.
“If this is the love of your life, bring flowers or something thoughtful that shows your attention, affection, and dedication to giving this another try,” Kreizman adds. This is especially important if you never really made an effort (small and large) to show you cared before. You want her to be touched by your effort, not just believe your promises.
As for the conversation, it needs to be an answer/solution to the original problem that caused the breakup. “Tell her how much you’ve been thinking about her, how much you want a future with her; discuss future plans and give specific examples of the two of you doing things together in the near and far future,” she suggests. You have to show you’re willing to put in the work and really mean it. Be honest, too. “Say you might mess up in the process and regress to your old ways at times, but you will always make an effort to keep working on yourself, because you deeply love and care about her.
Lay everything out on the table. “I don’t think this is a case of ‘less is more.’ What do you have to lose besides the love of your life? If she believes you, she’ll give your relationship a second chance.”
