“I just had sex with the stripper at a bachelor party. Not so bad, right? Thing is, it was my bachelor party. I feel awful about it and I’ll never do it again (I was super-drunk). But the wedding’s soon—what should I do?” – Paul F. Miami, FL
DR. MICHAEL AARON, Ph.D., psychotherapist/sex counselor: Sure, people lose their judgment when they get drunk, and no doubt the stripper added temptation. But, come on—if you’re really honest, you wanted to have sex with another woman, right? You probably still do. So if your fiancée’s expecting you to be faithful, you don’t need me to tell you you messed up.
But you do need to decide: If she wants more in terms of fidelity, can you give that to her?
DR. MOUSHUMI GHOSE, Ph.D., psychotherapist/sex therapist: People who get shit-faced usually know on some level they won’t be able to make sound decisions. But alcohol doesn’t make an act less harmful—it just lets you feel less accountable.
If you said you’d be monogamous, you’ve broken a serious promise. If you don’t tell her and you get caught, it could really damage the relationship.
But if you don’t tell her and you don’t get caught, experience tells me you’re much more likely to do it again. I’d say, have this difficult conversation with her.
JENA FRIEDMAN, writer and stand-up comic: Oh, geez. Did you at least wear a condom? You know, it doesn’t matter, the scenario sucks. Then again, maybe your banging a hooker right before the wedding is your fiancée’s secret fetish? You should find out.
If you think she’ll be pissed, though, ask yourself: Do you want a fun wedding? If so, shut the fuck up, be the best groom you can, and never do anything like this again.
But if you want to build a strong, honest marriage, come clean. Worst-case scenario, she calls things off, you get herpes—or worse, Zika (also, weirdly, sexually transmitted)—from the stripper, who ends up having a Zika baby that she leaves with you to raise, which is even harder now that President Cruz has destroyed all our social safety nets.
Then one day you call your ex and say you want only her, and she calls you “sweet” (meaning she doesn’t even care enough about you to be bitter) and says she’s moved on.
You’re crushed, till you look down and see Iggy (I named him Iggy, I hope that’s OK) smiling up at you with his tiny little head, and realize he’s made your life whole in a way no one ever could, and everything happens for a reason.
