Blame it on the smartphones that are constantly pinging us with texts, tweets, and emails. Blame it on the overcrowded trains, freeways, and big-box stores. Blame it on the Great Recession, global warming, Netflix, or that $6 latte in your hand.
Whatever you want to pin it on, there’s a troubling fact about us modern humans: We’re super-frazzled. According to a 2017 evaluation of federal health data, more Americans than ever before are stressed, depressed, and anxiety-ridden, and many are unable to get the help they need.
This, of course, leads to lots of bad stuff. Common effects of stress include headaches, muscle tension, lowered sex drive, insomnia, irritability, sadness, lack of motivation, social withdrawal, overeating, and drug and alcohol abuse. As if that’s not terrible enough, chronic stress also increases your chances of having a heart attack or stroke, and many researchers believe it makes the brain more susceptible to health problems like dementia and Alzheimer’s. Other studies show that it flat-out ages you faster and kills you sooner.
The bottom line: If you’re constantly freaking out about things, you’re not going to look or feel very good. But don’t stress. We’re here to help, and we’ve called in reinforcements in the form of physicians, psychologists, and therapists. Taken together, this guide should equip you with the tools to stay calm under pressure—so you can get back to crushing life.
Stress FAQs: A quick primer on the science of stress.
What is stress?
It’s a feeling of pressure, strain, or tension. Essentially, it’s psychological pain.
That sounds bad. Is stress always bad?
No. Small amounts of stress motivate us, help us adapt to our environment, and even improve athletic performance. Also, stress is what got us this far: When our ancestors perceived a threat (like a grizzly bear), they reacted with the “fight or flight” response. Their bodies were flooded with a hormone called cortisol, which released glucose into the bloodstream, giving them the energy to either battle the threat or sprint away from it. Without stress, our ancestors would’ve been eaten, and you wouldn’t be alive.
So small amounts of stress help us get stuff done?
Yes.
What’s the problem with stress, then?
Too much stress, or chronic stress, is what you want to avoid. Because while it’s nice to have your cortisol levels elevate occasionally, when there’s too much in your body for too long, it can lead to weight gain, high blood pressure, muscle loss, depression, and even brain shrinkage and memory problems. Chronic stress also weakens your immune system, obliterates your sex drive, and negatively affects your skin, hair, and teeth.
When you exercise, your brain and nervous system produce more endorphins, which are essentially natural antidepressants—neurotransmitters that make you feel good. Even better, any form of exercise can create this effect, so it doesn’t matter whether you lift weights, jog on the treadmill, or play pickup basketball. As long as you break a sweat, you’ll get this high.
But there are two other big ways that exercise helps you squash stress. First, according to the Mayo Clinic, simply focusing on the tasks associated with training or playing a sport will help you forget about your problems and leave you with a greater sense of calm and clarity. Second, working out relaxes you and boosts your chances of a good night’s sleep, which is another key to fighting stress, anxiety, and depression.
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David Arky
Eating to Beat Stress
We tapped Josh Axe, a clinical nutritionist and author of Keto Diet: Your 30-Day Plan to Lose Weight, Balance Hormones, Boost Brain Health, and Reverse Disease, to find out what to put in your body—and what to avoid—to chill out.
M&F: Are there any foods that can help lower stress?
J.A.: Yeah, foods that are rich in magnesium. It’s known as the relaxation mineral, and it’s good for reducing headaches, muscle spasms, and stress. Magnesium-rich foods include green leafy vegetables like spinach and chard, as well as dark chocolate, pumpkin seeds, almonds, and avocados.
What should people leave off their plate?
Anything that’s going to cause inflammation or your blood sugar to go up and down. Sugar, refined grains, white bread, and wheat products are going to cause problems.
Anything else people can take to de-stress?
I’m a huge fan of CBD oil. I own a hemp farm in Missouri, and I’ve done a lot of research on CBD, a compound found in the cannabis plant that’s really good for reducing stress on the central nervous system. I recommend a dosage of about 20 to 40 mg daily. You can mix the oil in water or drop it under your tongue, leave it there for 30 seconds, then swallow.
What do you tell people who say, “I’d love to eat healthier, but it’s too expensive?”
One, focus on the major stuff. If you can’t afford to eat everything organic, try to eat organic meat. Two, buy in bulk. Places like Costco have organic foods in bulk for a really great discount. Three, don’t spend $4 at Starbucks every morning. In fact, cut back on your coffee. The caffeine in it is a central nervous stimulant that will increase your “fight or flight” response.
Any other secrets?
If you’re wound up from the day, take a relaxing bath. Put in one cup of Epsom salt and about 20 drops of lavender essential oil, and soak in a tub for 20 minutes. Epsom salt is loaded with magnesium, which you can absorb through your skin. Man, that really helps.
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How Stress Affects Your Sex Life
Sex is a great way to relieve stress. It releases endorphins and other hormones that elevate your mood. It can also be decent exercise, another stress reliever. But if you’re too stressed, you’re not going to feel like getting it on—your body actually begins producing cortisol instead of testosterone—and you may not be able to perform sexually. Which is probably why, in a recent study, nearly half of people said stress negatively affects their sex life.
It’s a complicated issue, but to get some answers on how to manage stress in relationships, we talked to Chris Donaghue, a sex therapist and co-host of The Amber Rose Show with Dr. Chris.
M&F: What role does stress play in a romantic relationship?
C.D.: Stress is quite toxic. Physically and psychologically, it makes us less available as a partner, and it impacts our sexual health and well-being. So I talk to the guys in my practice about self care, which is foreign to a lot of men. Self care is about going to the gym, getting a massage, going to the spa, or taking a bath. These things aren’t just stress relievers. They affect our emotional functioning too.
There’s a lot of talk now about “emotional health.” What’s that?
A lot of guys are comfortable with a limited range of emotional expression. We have anger down, we have aggression down. But a recent study showed that most men want to be more sensitive and emotionally expressive. I tell guys, practice emotional expression and vulnerability with your partners. And also, go get products for self-pleasure. Tenga has some good ones, like their Egg and Cup series. Don’t just make it a quick, easy thing. Take time with yourself.
How much relationship stress is too much? When should you get out?
It’s a tough one. I think we’re in a time when some people leave too quickly. Apps give us this idea that there are so many dates out there. People aren’t sticking around and doing the work. When conflicts show up, that’s when we get to learn how to be better partners. I tell my clients to stick around a bit longer, learn, and grow. Every relationship is going to have a struggle or a conflict.
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David Arky
Tips to Minimize Technology-Induced Stress
Staying on your phone all day isn’t healthy. According to Nancy Cheever, a researcher at California State University, Dominguez Hills, phones keep us in a consistent state of anxiety, and the only relief from this anxiety is to look at our phones. Even Google recognizes this is a rather nasty feedback loop, so the internet giant recently released tips for controlling tech usage and improving digital well-being. A few highlights:
Confront the truth.
On average, people spend over four hours a day on their phone. The first step toward curbing your usage: determining how bad it is. New tech can help. For example, YouTube now has a feature that tells you how long you’ve watched videos today, yesterday, and over the past week. The dashboards of new Android phones have something similar. Face the truth and cut back!
Disable sounds and vibrations.
It’s nearly impossible to resist checking your phone when it rings or buzzes. Plus, research shows that just hearing your phone floods your body with stress hormones. To avoid interruptions and anxiety, disable sounds and vibrations on your phone during work hours. (Or even better, all the time.)
Use it for good.
Fill your phone usage with health-improving activities, not crap. For instance, to integrate meditation into your day, check out the Mindful Break Chrome extension, which gives you a mindfulness tip and guides you through a short breathing exercise. It’ll also remind you to take mental breaks.
Embrace shortcuts.
Remember, technology is supposed to save you time. To spend fewer hours on your phone, use Google Assistant to dictate and send messages faster, ask about traffic and weather, and remind you to call home. Also, to ensure a good night’s sleep, have the assistant quiet all your devices by saying, “OK Google, goodnight.”
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Ease Performance Anxiety With Brain Training
Humans have a need for control. It’s built into our DNA. “When we don’t have control, that’s when we experience stress,” says Jason Selk, a sports psychologist and the director of Enhanced Performance. The problem: Most of us think in ways that cause us to feel like we don’t have control, thus creating undue stress and hindering our performances. But we can retrain our brains to be more empowered and less anxious, says Selk.
Let’s say you’re a salesman, and you’re sweating bullets over hitting your quarterly numbers. “The issue is, your brain can only focus on one thing at a time,” says Selk. Rather than obsessing over the numbers, it’s much better to focus on the activities that will cause you to hit the numbers—like, say, starting your workday by calling three high net-worth clients.
Or let’s say you’re stressed because you’re rehabbing a sports injury, and it’s taking longer than anticipated. Instead of focusing on the fact that your body still isn’t right, ask yourself: What are three things I can do every day to speed up the recovery process? Identifying these daily activities (e.g, icing, stretching, physical therapy) and following through on them will immediately give you a sense of control over the situation, thus lowering your anxiety levels.
“Stress is a pure indication that you’re letting your mind focus on either something you can’t control or a problem,” says Selk. “A very effective question at that point is, ‘What is one thing I can do right now to help make this better?’”
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David Arky
To Eliminate Stress, Start With the Cause
Simply trying to manage stress, including financial stress, is a mistake, says Mort Orman, a physician, stress-elimination expert, and author of The 14 Day Stress Cure. According to Orman, the best way to eliminate stress is to first figure out what’s causing it. There will probably be both external causes and internal causes, but focus on the internal causes; these are easier to control. In other words, look inward, as painful as this may be. Ask yourself: What am I doing to cause this problem?
“A lot of it is digging deep and being honest with yourself,” says Orman, “and then figuring out solutions from there.” For example, let’s say you’ve got financial stress. What you’ve really got is a money problem, says Orman. Maybe you’re spending too much on cable or eating out too often. Maybe you’re not making enough money because your job is beneath your talent level. Maybe you need to go back to school and acquire new skills. Maybe you need a second job. Or maybe you’re just being lazy.
“There are a lot of common financial pitfalls,” says Orman. “Identify which ones are true in your case, then take action to fix them. That will remove your stress in a better way than working out every morning, though you should do that, too.” Asking a friend, relative, or even a life coach for advice can be beneficial, too. “Sometimes it’s tough to see our own patterns,” says Orman. “An insightful person can help you get some real, true answers.”
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How to Stay Physically Healthy
These tips from Karen Joubert, a physical therapist to clients like Jennifer Aniston and Serena Williams in Beverly Hills, CA (joubertpt.com), shares her tips for being nice to your body.
GET QUALITY REST
Lack of sleep can wreak havoc on stress levels. Get six to eight hours a night. Get a good pillow too.
START STRONG
As an example, here’s my routine. I get up at 4:30 a.m. I start with a glass of tap water. People make a mistake by going straight to coffee. That’s gonna get you stressed. First, hydrate. Get the valves pumping. Then I do my workout: cardio and weights. Hour and a half. Then I meditate: at least 10 minutes. Then I start my work day. I’m asleep by 9 p.m.
STOP TEXTING
I’m seeing patients with “text neck” now. People are texting all day, and it creates tension on the upper traps. Be mindful of how much time you’re on your phone and your computer. And your posture when you’re on these devices. Walk away from your computer at least once an hour.
STRETCH, PART I
Here’s my favorite stretch: Stand against a wall. Heels, shoulder blades, head, and palms, all touching the wall. Take several big, deep breaths. It gets us out of that chronic tense position and opens up everything. When we’re hunched over, there’s not enough oxygen and blood flowing.
STRETCH, PART II
The other version is: Lay on the floor, stomach up. Place your palms on the floor. Take five deep breaths. Let everything relax. Expand your diaphragm. Do that two times per day. It will change your stress level significantly.
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How to Use Mindfulness to Relieve Stress
Mindfulness is a trendy topic these days, and it’s not something you should reserve for yoga class.
By definition, practicing mindfulness means staying focused on the present moment in a nonjudgmental way. When we’re stressed, our thoughts are often either stuck in the past or we’re anxious about something that may or may not happen in the future. Being mindful means making a conscious effort to stay focused on the present moment.
You can even use mindfulness to escape from a worry spiral, according to Monisha Vasa, a general and addiction psychiatrist in Newport Beach, CA (mindful-healing.com).
HOW TO GET STARTED WITH MEDITATION
Set aside five minutes. Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit. Close your eyes and focus on your breath. Allow your normal breathing to naturally flow. Thoughts will arise. Simply recognize them and then let them go without judgment. Gently bring attention back to your breath.
For the rest of the day, try to consciously of bring yourself back to the present moment through your breath or by connecting to your five senses. Apps like Headspace, Calm, and Insight Timer can help, guide you through meditations.
THREE STEPS TO GET OUT OF A WORRY SPIRAL
One, recognize that worry rarely solves anything. Bring yourself back to the present by noticing your breathing for the next minute or two. Focus only on what’s happening right now.
Two, switch up your activity. Go out for a walk or a run. Take a nap or a shower. If your mind is going down this rabbit hole, then fresh air, body movement, and a change of scenery can help break those cycles and get you out of that state.
Three, if anxiety is persistent and it’s difficult to stop the spiral, seek professional help: a therapist, a psychiatrist, a primary care doctor, even an online therapist through sites such as Talkspace. The most important thing is making that first step toward getting help.
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Show Gratitude to Feel Happier
According to writer A.J. Jacobs, there’s a simple key to happiness in these super-stressful times: gratitude. Studies show that gratitude improves compassion, heals the body, and helps battle depression. Jacobs proves it in his latest book, Thanks a Thousand, in which he personally thanks every person who played a role (however small) in making his morning cup of coffee.
So how can you be more grateful? Here are a few strategies, courtesy of Jacobs:
Declare war on the negative bias.
Thanks to evolution, we are hardwired to focus on the few things that go wrong every day. Don’t. Instead, focus on the hundred things that go right (the elevator that works, the tap water that’s clean). Take two minutes each day and appreciate all the good stuff.
Practice six degrees of thankfulness.
Realize that everything is connected. (It takes the world to make a cup of coffee, after all.) Reminding yourself that you’re part of something bigger gives your life meaning and leads to happiness. And if you’re happy, you’re less stressed.
Don’t count sheep, count your blessings.
Can’t sleep? Instead of tallying livestock, count the things you’re thankful for. Go in alphabetical order to give it structure. “A” could be your arms, “B” could be your bathroom. Make it different every night. You’ll probably fall asleep well before you reach “Z.”
Remember that you’re going to die.
Knowing that you won’t live forever is actually a liberating feeling. It reminds you to try to enjoy your life and make others’ lives better—while you still exist.
