It’s the third date, and you know what that means: It’s time for sex. OK, not really (unless the world really does work like Sex and the City, in which case, someone save us). It might not happen on the third or fourth date, but rest assured, you’ll know when it’s that time. The date that, rather than ending with a kiss on the cheek and a box of tissues, results in an invitation to her place for a nightcap (or an acceptance of yours). There simply isn’t an exact science to the game of love (or lovemaking, for that matter), but there are some oblivious moves that will ensure she doesn’t want to see you ever again.
So, if you really like this girl, or at the very least like having sex with this girl, crack open a bottle (not a box) of wine, sit back, and don’t do these things.Â
When it comes to verbal seduction, less is more. You might think it’s what she wants to hear, but letting the conversation turn too sappy the first time you coax her back to your place can get awkward, fast. Don’t overdo the compliments—a simple, “You’re really gorgeous/hot/beautiful,” will do it. Resist the urge to discuss your future together even if you’ve already staked out matching cemetery plots. Right now is the time to be the strong and silent type.
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Not Minding Your Fingers
Once you’ve shut up long enough to get inside her clothes, be mindful of your fingers (i.e., don’t start jabbing at her like you’re trying to clear a clogged drain). The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings in an area smaller than a pea, which means that the lightest touch is enough to bring it to attention. Poke too hard and it feels more like an awkward jolt than a pleasurable sensation, like any contact with a penis right after orgasm. Start with a gentle touch, and she’ll push against you to signal for more aggression.
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Refusing to Kiss After Oral
When a woman has just performed a—ahem—service for you, refusal of any forthcoming affection can be insulting. So if you see a kiss headed your way, accept it. Contorting your face in disgust will only make a woman feel cheap. If you can’t stomach the thought of a post-fellatio tongue dance, kiss her neck, shoulders, and face. But really, you should just get over it. How can you expect her to do that for you and then be disgusted by it?
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Failure to Reciprocate
This rule’s a little fast and loose. On the one hand, many women feel self-conscious about a guy getting that close to their nether regions before they’ve really gotten to know them, so don’t be surprised if she declines. On the other hand, neglecting to even attempt to return her favor makes you look like a heel. So even if she shuts you down, she’ll make a mental note that you’re at least generous.
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Forgetting Protection
You might feel hesitant to kill the mood by pulling out a condom, but skin diving not only puts you at risk for STDs (not to mention fatherhood), but it’s also disrespectful. If you’re fine being reckless with yourself, that’s your business, but there’s a second party here and a gentleman (not to mention responsible adult) puts the lady first.
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Getting Too Kinky Too Soon
Maybe six months down the line, you’ll both discover that you’re into BDSM and live kinkily ever after, but right now isn’t the time to explore your deviant side. Keep the slapping and hair-pulling at bay and withhold the graphic dirty talk. And, it should go without saying, restrict the field of play to the front door.
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Making Strange Noises/Yelling
There’s nothing wrong with getting caught up in the moment and being vocal, but be aware of the strange sounds you make and potentially offensive things you yell out en coitus.Â
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Acting Like a Porn Star
If life was anything like a porno, every time you did laundry it would end in you having surprise washer-top sex. But real women don’t want to be treated like porn stars (at least not the first time you’re with them), and trying to mimic porn star moves (and the things they say) will make you look like you have no idea what you’re doing.
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Stressing About Performance
There are a number of things that can go wrong the first time you’re in bed with a new partner, and most consenting adults understand that. There’s a lot to feel out about another person before reaching the right comfort level and sexual rhythm. Any awkward post-sex vibes that you project will make her uneasy as well, so you’re better off relaxing and basking in the glow.
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WANDER WOMEN COLLECTIVE / Getty
Neglecting Cuddle Time
Hold on, now. Before you go bouncing out of bed to use the bathroom or drift away to sleep, allow a solid five to 10 minutes of cuddling and pillow talk time. Ideally you want to wait for her to fall asleep first, but at least make sure you spend enough conscious time with her afterward to show that this wasn’t just about sex.
