More likely than not, re-enacting the stunts and maneuvers you see in pornography won't make you a sex god—they'll just make you another guy who's clueless in bed.
Want to screw yourself over in the sack? Keep watching other people screw each other on the Internet.
Porn, as titillating as it may be, can really give you an unrealistic impression of what women want in bed. Thing is, a lot of dudes watch it—which means a lot of dudes end up trying to pull off some PornHub Hall-of-Fame position that ultimately ends up being a real buzzkill.
To help set people straight, we talked to Tracey Cox—a sex, body language, and relationship expert who owns a range of sex toys for men called Edge—and asked her to highlight the riskiest sexual stunts you can pull off in bed.
1. Thinking foreplay consists solely of blow jobs
Blow jobs are to pornos as steroids were to bodybuilding in the mid-80s—rampant and often poorly utilized.
“As much as it does give women pleasure to give pleasure, it doesn’t mean you can ignore getting her aroused,” Cox says. For one, there’s a very good chance you’re robbing her of an orgasm, since most women need a build-up of stimulation in order to climax (many can orgasm through oral sex alone—or via a combination of manual stimulation from your fingers or a sex toy, or both). Foreplay isn’t a favor. “It’s necessary for the vaginal canal to lubricate and expand to make penetration pleasurable and pain-free,” Cox explains.
And despite what you may have seen in porn, when you do engage in foreplay, it’s probably not a good idea to go from anal play or intercourse to vaginal penetration. Putting anything that’s been in the anus—fingers, your penis, a toy—can transfer bacteria that can cause vaginal and urinary tract infections.
Bottom line: Don’t have the mindset that if you go down on her, she automatically has to return the favor. You want the relationship to feel equal, like you’re both putting in the same amount of work emotionally and sexually. The I-scratch-your-back-you-scratch-mine mindset isn’t set in stone.
2. Using saliva instead of lube
Lube is pretty much nonexistent in porn, unless of course it’s applied by the bottle with grotesque abandon. So more often than not, the woodsman in a video simply remedies the situation with some spit.
And it’s true: “Saliva does an OK job if there’s nothing else on hand,” Cox says. “But for truly comfortable sex, use good-quality personal lubricant.” Actually do some research to see what types work with your brand of condoms, both of your preferences and sensitivities, and what type of sex you’re having. You’re going to use something different for shower sex than you would something more terrestrial.
Oh, and if you are attempting some marathon missionary: “Lube is a must if you’re intending on having intercourse for a long period of time and you don’t want your partner getting sore,” Cox explains. “And don’t even think about having anal sex unless you intend on using a quality silicone-based lubricant,” she adds. Your partner can be in a fair amount of pain if you don’t.
3. Making degrading language part of ‘dirty talk’
Porn has a seemingly endless catalogue of fetishes and scenarios. One common example: One actor (and they are acting, remember) demeaning another. But abusive talk doesn’t have to be your default setting.
“Some women get off on being spoken to in a semi-degrading way—usually women who have high self-esteem and enjoy the reverse power play,” she explains. Here’s the thing, though: Many other women find degrading language brutish and insensitive.
Solution? Use some common sense. If you were sleeping with a woman for the first time and she started calling you a pathetic, worthless man mid-coitus, you’d probably be turned off (if not freaked out), right?
“Never launch straight into obscenities without testing the water first with a very mild version,” Cox says. Dirty talk is hyper-specific to everyone, so ask her to be specific with what she wants to hear. Maybe she wants you to describe sexual acts in novel-like detail. Maybe she craves something a bit darker. Or maybe she’s totally into John Cena’s approach in Trainwreck, and wants you to drop protein innuendos.
Whatever it is, tread lightly. And if you feel like these unbecoming phrases just blurt out of your mouth, maybe lay off the porn for a bit.
4. Assuming threesomes are the norm
We’ll let the lady say it: “Lots of things happen frequently in porn that don’t happen often in real life,” Cox says—your neighbor isn’t going to drop by for a cup of sugar, then start whipping off her clothes in a striptease—”but the most obvious is threesomes.”
In porn, someone coughs and, BAM, they’re having a threesome. It’s normalized. So if you watch enough of it, you’d begin to think it’s no big deal—or that it’s the pinnacle of sexual experiences. Therefore, asking your girlfriend to participate might seem perfectly customary—”except, in reality, very few people have threesomes,” Cox says.
So look: Respect your partner’s boundaries and what she’s comfortable exploring. If you ask her to make your fantasy a reality, and she shoots it down, don’t sulk or beg. If it’s something you really want to experience and you’re coming from a place of respect, have another conversation. Tell her she can make the ground rules and choose the third party. She’s far more inclined to go through with it if you’re open to compromise.
5. Being rough and raunchy
If you haven’t noticed, everything is exaggerated in porn—the scenarios, the (ahem) physiques, the hairlessness—and the overt physicality.
“You constantly see men constantly hitting a woman’s clitoris or slapping her—hard—on the butt,” Cox says. “In real life, most women enjoy a soft touch, particularly around and on the clitoris, which is extremely sensitive,” she explains. Though it might grind her gears (in a good way) to be spanked, it’s probably not at the intensity you see in porn. Dial down the aggressiveness and gauge what she likes. Go light at first, ask her how that feels, then you can take things up a notch.
