As a member of this mysterious team (and at the risk of being banned), I have the inside scoop on the strange and mischievous things women do and the reasons they do it. Just be warned: these tips are meant to inform and aren’t pretty. Below are our top 10 best-kept secrets, tricks and techniques for keeping you around (or, in this case, totally alienating you).
1. We never “accidentally” leave our underwear at your apartment. Aside from the stray hair tie here and there, no woman ever “forgets” to put on her panties before she leaves the next morning. Unless you’re about to get busted by your parents/girlfriend/priest and little Miss Booty Call must crawl out of a second story window, that bra lying innocently under your bed was left there on purpose. We like planting things in your home because we want you to think of us, but also because our dirty panties are like little landmines that we hope the “other woman” will step on then freak out and leave you forever.
2. We like to Google you, but never mention our discoveries. It gets worse: we will then ask leading questions that pertain to what we found as a way to tease out some dark, dirty secret. You see, we respect your privacy, which is why we would never come clean and tell you that we know about the time you tried out for Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. We want you to tell us because honesty is important.
3. We are talented when it comes to acting. Think about the number of times you’ve brought your girlfriend to orgasm. Now take that number and minus the times you thought she was faking. Take THAT number and divide it by 1000. That is the number of times she actually came. I’m really, really sorry. We like having sex with you, but not when it cuts into Conan.
4. We will go to great lengths to find out what your ex-girlfriend looked like. We’ll begin with an image search. Then we’ll graduate to class pictures from her ten-year high school reunion, Instagram, and a hazy group picture taken in a bar and posted on someone’s Facebook. We will then judge her, call our friends and send them a link so they too may judge her. The consensus will always be that the current girlfriend (us) is way prettier than former girlfriend (fat, ugly hag).
5. We booty call ex boyfriends and old flings for sex to keep our numbers down. Doing so helps us from feeling like sluts. But that doesn’t mean when you ask how many guys we have slept with, we won’t lie through our teeth. Add ten to the number we give you and it’s still too low.
6. We are way more insecure about our jobs, intellect and education than our looks. But that only applies if we’re more attractive than you; if you’re more attractive we’re insecure about our looks in addition to our jobs, intellect and education. If we’re hot and make more money than you, tough shit, you’ll never hold the remote.
7. We count the condoms under the sink. But you already knew that, which is why we’re well aware that it’s a decoy box. We count that one too. You weren’t prepared for that one were you?
8. We equate sex with love. We think that if we fuck you hard enough, we’ll knock something loose and you’ll fall in love. This is why we have sex with you first and expect a commitment later. This never works, yet we will lie and tell you that we’re only interested in having fun. We don’t want to have fun; we want a boyfriend.
9. We lie to you about who we are with. More than once. There is fairly high chance that a woman has lied about having a date to make you jealous, but in essence, it isn’t really lying because although she spent the evening alone at home eating chocolate and watching old episodes of Melrose Place, she did have plans, with someone, of an ambiguous gender, and food and beverages could have been consumed had she not cancelled, hypothetically. Ok, please don’t judge us.
10. We are evil. We are evil for three days before our periods. PMS is a legitimate condition and now that a drug for PMDD is available, we all have that too. Some of us cry as a result of PMS, sometimes we need to talk about our relationship and why you won’t just commit, while we’re crying, of course. We feel fat during this time and we hate you. Your job is easy: Just try not to piss us off more. We sincerely believe that you enjoy seeing us in pain.
Sadly, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Who knows, maybe now that we’ve been exposed the madness will stop. But probably not.
