Whether you like it or not, what you do for a living speaks volumes about you, and your professional credentials do factor into that inexplicably complex formula women use to calculate your desirability, even if you’re only being considered for a one night stand. When did life get so complicated, right?
Be prepared the next time a woman scours your LinkedIn profile for clues. Up your game by knowing what presumptions about your sex life she makes the next time you say, “Trust me, I’m a …”
Doctor
The Good It doesn’t matter if you’re a gynecologist, a podiatrist, or a dentist, we still expect you to know your way around the female anatomy. You didn’t go to all those years of med school for nothin’ now, did you? It would be a serious bummer if you failed to locate our hot spots.
The Bad Lots of women get nervous around doctors. We seriously get weirded out by the prospect of being analyzed like a patient or worse…a cadaver! If you insist on playing sexy doctor, keep the clinical talk and mannerisms out of the bedroom. And no, we don’t want you pawing our breasts for lumps.
What Gets Us Hot When the pager goes off and you dial in with firm directives like “move the patient to the third floor and get an IV going, stat!” we swoon. It’s more the authoritative tone of your voice than the actual words that gets us horny. Use that to your advantage.
Computer Programmer
The Good You definitely experienced a period of time in high school (and then some) when you weren’t exactly the smoothest with the ladies. Why is this good? Because we presume you won’t be as critical about our quirks as the average Joe. You offer a judgment-free zone for our kinkiest fantasies. Plus, we love that you haven’t been sleeping around since 1989.
The Bad Are you going to bring that iPhone to bed with you? Seriously, dude, try taking your eyes off your three hundred apps when you’re out. We aren’t exactly on Mars here; you really can breathe without the assistance of technology.
What Gets Us Hot Different = Good. You obviously march to the beat of your own drummer. Whether that’s because you can’t hear the beat everyone else is marching to or you are truly into doing your own thing, we think of you as a bit of an iconoclast in the tradition of Bill Gates. Even if you were a four-eyed brace-face as a teen, we obviously think you’re hot now, so don’t be afraid to play up your weirder hobbies.
Lawyer
The Good We love being the highest court in your land, but rest assured, we want you to pass muster. We adore being subjected to your silver tongue and hope you’ll be able to use it to persuade us right out of our pants. Provide us with strong arguments and supporting evidence for why we should choose you, and be prepared with counter-arguments to totally win us over.
The Bad Don’t be that lawyer. You know what I’m talking about—the douche who always has to win. Needing to be top dog in every situation is a serious weakness, especially if that situation involves sex. Being able to concede power to your woman is a must. Sometimes, we need you to be able to take it lying down. Trust me, you’ll be better off shutting up and getting ridden from time to time.
What Gets Us Hot A good lawyer is as much recognized for his ability to listen and keep secrets as he is for his oratory abilities. Apply the sensitivity and discretion required in your line of work to our confidences, and we’ll adore the socks off of you.
Film Director
The Good Above all, a good film director is a talented multitasker with the energy and charisma of a natural-born leader. We’re hoping you’ll be able to perfectly coordinate the scene and mood in the bedroom. We want it all to be picture perfect, just like on film.
The Bad We’re on the lookout for hidden cameras. Don’t even think about rolling on set without asking us first—especially while we’re sleeping or in any state of undress. No one appreciates the untimely release of a sex tape.
What Gets Us Hot A man who is creative and knows his way around fancy, expensive machinery is sexy. We want to play around with your gadgets and get a feel for what life looks like on the other side of the lens.
Veterinarian
The Good Please do go all Horse Whisperer on us when it comes to that point in the night. We want to be put under the soothing spell that transfixes frightened animals and pet owners alike. Please tend to us, pet us, and be very, very gentle.
The Bad Swine flu, dog bites, rabies. Gross! The uglier side of the profession is something we don’t want to associate with getting it on. Pillow talk should not include a show-and-tell of all the battle scars you’ve accumulated in the past month.
What Gets Us Hot When you come up to our place and you immediately drop to your knees to commune with our three-legged pooch or warty cat, our desire for you goes through the roof. Our pets don’t just offer companionship, they also provide us with a trusted second opinion about the men in our lives.
Construction Worker
The Good You’re a man’s man who spends all day working out in the sun. What’s not to like? Your masculinity makes us feel all dainty and pretty when we’re around you. Help us feel even girlier with flowers and compliments. And don’t be afraid to get a little girly yourself. On you, a pink shirt only makes you manlier.
The Bad As adorable as the hardhat and work attire was on our childhood Lego men, we’ll be none too pleased with a guy who takes us out in the clothes he spent the day sweating through. We’ll also be checking extra close (e.g. under your nails) to make sure you don’t bring the grime of your day job into the bedroom. And lose the steel-toed shoes, please.
What Gets Us Hot You are highly skilled at picking up heavy objects without even breaking a sweat. We wouldn’t be opposed to being lifted and thrust against a wall every now and again. Mega bonus points for crooning about how light we are in your arms!
Professor
The Good We like that you can go all nerdy and cerebral on us at the drop of a hat. Don’t hold back on those dirty, erotic allusions to Greek mythology. Engaging us mentally as well as physically is a must.
The Bad Some of us might not be super comfy with the fact that you spend your office hours with hot co-eds half our age. It’s one thing to be excited about a student’s thesis. It’s another thing to gush over her! Be aware that we find those young, naive college girls to be our number one threat.
What Gets Us Hot Your flexible schedule gives you plenty of opportunities for unexpected visits. Make use of an afternoon off to save us from our office hell. A little late afternoon tryst in the copy room never hurt anyone. Help us take the edge off. Our secretaries and minions will thank you later.
Wall Street Analyst
The Good As much as we bemoan the fratty atmosphere, there’s something so old-school and traditional about a Wall Street job. Play up the classic and hip vibe that the Wall Street mystique gives off. We are all for the suspenders, tie, and wingtips.
The Bad Whether it’s true or not, we perceive you as a sly and cunning playboy eager to rope in hot female groupies who flock to your earning potential like geese to bread. We need extra assurances that you aren’t just playing us. And if you are, we don’t want you pretending that you’re not. Honest communication about your honorable (or dishonorable) intentions is much appreciated.
What Gets Us Hot Have you been a naughty boy? The correct answer here would be yes. Lately your kind has been vilified in the press, and we very much adore our villains. Even if you’re really just a number-crunching quant jock, you’ve still got the bad boy persona going for you. Work it.
