10 reasons she said no to a second date

It’s fine to talk about yourself on a date, but if you talk about how much money you make or how much you can bench, she’s bound to get turned off. “I love a guy that’s confident, but if a guy comes off as arrogant it’s a major turn off—so much so that I wouldn’t go out with him again,” Marissa, 27, tells us. Orbuch agrees that peacocking can be a deal breaker for many women. “A lot of men spend the entire first date talking about themselves because they feel they need to ‘sell’ themselves. But in reality, going on about yourself actually pushes the other person away,” she explains. “Instead, ask the woman questions. Find out about her favorite activities. Learn more about where she grew up. You want to show her that she would be your priority if you wind up being a match.”

You may be really into her and you may even have an inkling that she’s the one, but if you tell her how strong your feelings are on a first date, you could scare her off. “Professing your feelings too soon will likely overwhelm her,” says Orbuch. “As intimacy develops, so does the emotional bond between two people. You can’t really know everything about a person on the first date. That needs to evolve over time. A woman wants to know that you want a future with her because of her, not because you’re lonely or lack independence.”

You brought her flowers and opened all the doors, but none of that will matter if you’re a jerk to other people you interact with on your date. “I once went out with a really attractive guy who sent his meal back three times and was really rude to the waiter about it, too,” says Dina, 29. “It was such a turnoff to see his bad side before learning about his good qualities. It made me wonder how he may treat me later down the road. I refused to ever go out with him again.”

“Joking around and being playful play a major role in a relationship. And a guy that can make me laugh is definitely a keeper,” says Lauren, 25. “When I meet someone who I can tell could never bring that to the table, there’s no sense in dragging things out by going out again.” Orbuch adds, “If you’re too serious, you might give off the vibe that you’re too much work to be with and not much fun. Smile and laugh and put her in a good mood. Just be sure to avoid self-deprecating humor.”

When you talk badly about an ex, it can give off the vibe that you’re still hung up on her. Or worse, it may make your date wonder what you’ll say about her if things wind up going south later down the road. No matter how you feel about your last S.O., keep it to yourself until you’ve gotten to know your next potential partner a bit better. Your anger or issues with your former flame have the potential to scare her off.

“While I can appreciate a guy who knows a lot about craft beers and bespoke cocktails, a guy that gets beyond wasted on a first date isn’t going to land a second date with me,” Alyssa, 26 tells us. Why do women hate it when men they barely know get sloshed? “A woman may see this as a red flag for how he handles stress. If he can’t stop how much he drinks on the first date when he’s supposed to be at his best, she’s apt to worry how’d be on a typical day,” explains Orbuch.

“If a guy is checking his fantasy score or texting during a first date, it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about getting to know me. Plus, it’s straight up rude—to the point that I’d think twice about seeing him again,” says Stephanie, 30. And if we had to guess, most women would concur. “When a man is on his phone during a first date it will likely make his date wonder if she could ever be a priority in his life. A woman wants a man to present his best self and not be consumed with other things,” says Orbuch. “Making a good first date impression means focusing on the present, and showing her through non-verbal cues that you’re interested—and that includes not looking at your phone.”

While a steamy goodnight kiss or sensual brush of her thigh may skyrocket the sexual chemistry between you and your date, doing much more than will likely freak her out. “I’ve been out with guys that are practically throwing themselves at me on the first date and it makes me super uncomfortable,” Julie, 26 tells us. According to Orbuch, coming on too strong gives turns women off because when they’re looking for a long-term relationship they prefer to forge an emotional connection before anything becomes sexual. “Guys can flirt, but in general, women want sexuality to emerge as they interact,” she explains.“Things get too ambiguous for women if the man is too sexual. She doesn’t understand where it’s going. She might ask: Why are you being so sexual when I don’t even know you yet?”

Sometimes the reason she says no to a second date has absolutely nothing to do with any of your actions. Plenty of women agree to go out with men before they’re over their exes or simply not in a good place in their life to start something new. Oftentimes a woman will agree to a date against her better judgment because a friend or family member encourages her to do so. Sure, this is sort of a selfish move, but at least you can rest assured that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. If a woman tells you this is the reason she doesn’t want to go out again, thank her for being honest and let it go—even if you suspect she’s not giving you the full story.

“Sometimes if I go on a blind date or I’m meeting up with someone I met online, I’m simply not attracted to them once I meet them in person. Oftentimes, the guys are attractive, there’s just no spark or chemistry. For me, there’s no point in going out again if that’s the case,” Cara, 23 says. And according to Orbuch, the majority of women share Cara’s feelings. “I think women know if there is a glimmer of a spark at the beginning. It may or may not grow after that, but they need to see that there’s chemistry before investing time into a second date,” she explains.