5 hard questions to ask yourself before moving in with your partner
So you’re pretty serious about the person you’re dating—but when are you serious enough? Here’s how to discern whether living together is right for you and your better half.
You’ve made things “Facebook official,” met each other’s families, and slowly but surely left half your underwear at your significant other’s place. You think she may be the one, but you know putting a ring on it is still a ways off.
So what’s next? Does it make sense to take the next step and move in together? Or is it too soon?
Aside from getting married, moving in together is one of the biggest commitments a couple can make, so it’s totally normal if you need to take a beat to think about it. But how can you possibly know when the time is “right”?
We do know this much: More people are asking themselves that question, with 37% of couples moving in together after they’ve been together for six months to a year, according to a 2015 study by Rent.com. But there isn’t one perfect length of time a couple should date before co-signing a lease, says Laurie Davis Edwards, relationship coach and founder of eFlirt. “Moving in together is a milestone that moves your relationship farther into the future,” she says. “The timing of when that happens is different for everyone.”
Hillary Geffner, a Brooklyn-based marriage and family therapist, agrees: “Every relationship is unique. Therefore there’s no such thing as an ideal timeframe that applies universally to every couple.”
So if there’s no “right” or “wrong” time, the only way to know if cohabitation is a smart move is by taking a good, honest look at your relationship and how you feel about your other half. Here are five things you should ask yourself before shacking up:
5 hard questions to ask yourself before moving in with your partner
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Are you just trying to save money on rent?
While it can be tough to push dollars and cents out of the equation, moving in together should be an emotional decision, not a practical one.“If you find yourself wanting to move in with your significant other to save money or anything else that’s practical, instead of emotional, it’s probably not the right time in your relationship, Davis says.
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Are you feeling pressured?
If you’re feeling pressured to shack up with your significant other because you feel like it’s something you “should” be doing, you’re probably going to run into trouble down the road, Geffner cautions.“If you’re fulfilling a script that’s not your own, there’s a good chance you won’t be genuinely happy, which isn’t good for your health or the health of your relationship,” Geffner says.
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Can you see yourself in your relationship long-term?
“To women, moving in together is a step toward marriage,” Davis says. “It’s a signal that you can see the foreseeable future together.”That said, before looking at apartments together, ask yourself if you and your partner are in sync on what the future looks like in terms of children, religion, and marriage. And if you’re not on the same page, consider if you’re OK with that.“If there’s any hesitation after asking yourself these questions, think about why you’re hesitating,” Davis says. “Sometimes it’s fear, which is natural. Though moving in together isn’t permanent, it can sometimes seem like it is. If it’s something else, it’s worth thinking about and discussing with your girlfriend.”
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Do you feel comfortable talking about division of labor?
It may seem silly, but if you can’t see you and your significant other discussing who will take out the trash and who will be on dishwasher duty, you might not be ready to move in together.“Ultimately, living together requires an understanding of each other’s perspective and expectations. Often people don’t have these conversations up front and then end up disappointed because they perceive their partner as not fulfilling his or her duties,” Geffner says. “To circumvent unnecessary conflict, couples should have a clear, open, and honest dialogue about expectations and roles before moving in together.”
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Would you feel more at ease taking a smaller step?
As an alternative to fully cohabiting, many couples are spending three or more nights together a week and still maintaining their own homes, according to a University of Missouri-Columbia study. Davis says this is a great way to decide if you want to eventually ask your significant other to be your roommate.“Most couples find themselves staying at each other’s place a few nights per week before moving in together, Davis says. “This is a smart step because if living together gives you a glimpse into what life forever may look like, staying with each other a few night’s a week gives you a glimpse into what living together may be like. It’s a precursor to the more serious step of sharing a space and coming home to each other every day.”
While it can be tough to push dollars and cents out of the equation, moving in together should be an emotional decision, not a practical one.
“If you find yourself wanting to move in with your significant other to save money or anything else that’s practical, instead of emotional, it’s probably not the right time in your relationship, Davis says.
Are you feeling pressured?
If you’re feeling pressured to shack up with your significant other because you feel like it’s something you “should” be doing, you’re probably going to run into trouble down the road, Geffner cautions.
“If you’re fulfilling a script that’s not your own, there’s a good chance you won’t be genuinely happy, which isn’t good for your health or the health of your relationship,” Geffner says.
Can you see yourself in your relationship long-term?
“To women, moving in together is a step toward marriage,” Davis says. “It’s a signal that you can see the foreseeable future together.”
That said, before looking at apartments together, ask yourself if you and your partner are in sync on what the future looks like in terms of children, religion, and marriage. And if you’re not on the same page, consider if you’re OK with that.
“If there’s any hesitation after asking yourself these questions, think about why you’re hesitating,” Davis says. “Sometimes it’s fear, which is natural. Though moving in together isn’t permanent, it can sometimes seem like it is. If it’s something else, it’s worth thinking about and discussing with your girlfriend.”
Do you feel comfortable talking about division of labor?
It may seem silly, but if you can’t see you and your significant other discussing who will take out the trash and who will be on dishwasher duty, you might not be ready to move in together.
“Ultimately, living together requires an understanding of each other’s perspective and expectations. Often people don’t have these conversations up front and then end up disappointed because they perceive their partner as not fulfilling his or her duties,” Geffner says. “To circumvent unnecessary conflict, couples should have a clear, open, and honest dialogue about expectations and roles before moving in together.”
Would you feel more at ease taking a smaller step?
As an alternative to fully cohabiting, many couples are spending three or more nights together a week and still maintaining their own homes, according to a University of Missouri-Columbia study. Davis says this is a great way to decide if you want to eventually ask your significant other to be your roommate.
“Most couples find themselves staying at each other’s place a few nights per week before moving in together, Davis says. “This is a smart step because if living together gives you a glimpse into what life forever may look like, staying with each other a few night’s a week gives you a glimpse into what living together may be like. It’s a precursor to the more serious step of sharing a space and coming home to each other every day.”
