So you’re a dude who hates using dating apps? Here’s why that’s totally normal.
These days, it can feel like every eligible bachelor around is on whatever dating app is popular this month. But if all that swiping makes you feel lukewarm, underwhelmed, or just downright depressed, you should know: You’re not alone.
On the eighth day, God—a millennial brogrammer in unremarkable jeans—created the dating app.
But here’s the thing: I don’t get the widespread impression that dating apps are God’s greatest gift to men since Eve. I’m surrounded by guys who find dating apps unsavory at best, and unbearable at worst. And while plenty of press coverage has explored female repulsion toward dating apps, digitally dissatisfied dudes get far less airtime.
To be clear: I’m not here to condemn the technosexual era as some slaughterhouse of love. Dating apps offer a range of appeals, and the U.S. dating app industry alone generates roughly $2 billion in revenue each year. I’m just here to say that if you’re a guy who doesn’t subscribe to the swipe craze, you’re not alone.
Here are five reasons why you might swipe left on dating apps altogether—and why those reasons are perfectly valid.
So you’re a dude who hates using dating apps? Here’s why that’s totally normal.
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“Choice overload” leaves you disappointed
The more options we have, the less satisfied we are with our decisions. Studies have shown this, and you’ve probably experienced this yourself while browsing Netflix or an overstocked menu: Abundance of choice makes us worried we missed something better.Choice overload affects online dating, too, according to a 2016 study. A set of 24 potential partners sounds like a can’t-miss, but online daters were more satisfied when choosing from a set of just six. Casting a wide net may seem like a good dating strategy, but research shows that oversupply can leave us unhappy.“Dating apps put you in this mindset of disposability,” says Zach M., 29, a Boston-based startup employee who has used dating apps for two years. “It’s like I can’t go on a date anymore without thinking there might be someone better.”
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You’re holding out for a better origin story
Many people cringe at the prospect of explaining that they met their significant other online. This is such a common concern we’ve even researched stories to tell people if you actually met your girlfriend on a dating app. (“We met through a friend” is a popular one.)And while online dating has lost much of its stigma in the past decade, many guys still want a better story.Jake S., a 27-year-old Manhattan architect, chose to quit dating apps because he found the idea of meeting a girlfriend online depressing. “I don’t want to feel even mildly ashamed of the story, and I don’t want to be ‘just OK’ with it,” he says. “I want to be proud of it.”And Jake’s not the only millennial bachelor in the market for a serious relationship. Which leads us to our next point…
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You’re looking for more than a hookup
Last winter, I experimentally opened a Tinder account and agreed to get drinks with a few guys who seemed interesting, smart, and unlikely to murder me.To my surprise, every man I met said he was looking for a serious relationship. Three of them even made marriage proposals on the first date. (The first two were lighthearted, and therefore charming. The last was sincere, and therefore terrifying.) I deleted my account the next day. And there I was: a young woman quitting Tinder because she found the emotional commitment overwhelming.It didn’t add up. Who were these monogamous bachelors? Where were the hookup barracudas that apparently swarmed big-city Tinder pools? My dates must’ve given me a false impression of modern single guys in general—right?Wrong, according to a study conducted by Singles in America. No fewer than 68% of the men surveyed in 2016 said they wanted to find love that year, while only 12% of men said they wanted to date casually. That same year, the dating app Hinge reported that 87% of its users are open to a relationship, and 45% are exclusively looking for a long-term relationship.
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Dating apps eat up your time
In 2014, Tinder reported that the average user logs in 11 times per day, spending up to 90 minutes per day swiping.“Tinder’s hypnotic allure borrows from the same psychological process that addictively draws people to play slot machines,” writes Ross Rosenberg, L.C.P.C., a psychotherapist who specializes in addiction. “Tinder and slot machines similarly draw us in because of the potential for instant gratification.”You’re busy, and dating apps are designed to manipulate your attention so you can’t focus on anything else. If you want to impress a woman, spend those 90 minutes learning another language. That’s hot.
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Dating apps make users feel bad
Tinder users report having lower levels of self-worth than those who do not use Tinder, according to 2016 research by co-authors Jessica Strübel, Ph.D., and Trent Petrie, Ph.D. “We found that being actively involved with Tinder, regardless of the user’s gender, was associated with body dissatisfaction,” Strübel told the American Psychological Association.Dating apps also offer many opportunities for rejection, which can take a toll on the confidence of users. “I tried dating apps for a while after a breakup,” says Keith N., 21, who had just graduated college. (Trust me: Smart, funny, and full of coyote facts, Keith is a catch.) But he didn’t match with anyone, and the process made him feel worse. “Every time I swiped it was like, ‘Well, I’m not with this girl. Or this girl. Or this girl.’ It makes you feel lonely.”And he’s not alone in that loneliness—54% of singles on Hinge report feeling lonely after swiping on dating apps.(And if you’re still committed to getting the whole online dating thing right? Here’s how to up your game—and find the woman for you.)
The more options we have, the less satisfied we are with our decisions. Studies have shown this, and you’ve probably experienced this yourself while browsing Netflix or an overstocked menu: Abundance of choice makes us worried we missed something better.
Choice overload affects online dating, too, according to a 2016 study. A set of 24 potential partners sounds like a can’t-miss, but online daters were more satisfied when choosing from a set of just six. Casting a wide net may seem like a good dating strategy, but research shows that oversupply can leave us unhappy.
“Dating apps put you in this mindset of disposability,” says Zach M., 29, a Boston-based startup employee who has used dating apps for two years. “It’s like I can’t go on a date anymore without thinking there might be someone better.”
Jake S., a 27-year-old Manhattan architect, chose to quit dating apps because he found the idea of meeting a girlfriend online depressing. “I don’t want to feel even mildly ashamed of the story, and I don’t want to be ‘just OK’ with it,” he says. “I want to be proud of it.”
And Jake’s not the only millennial bachelor in the market for a serious relationship. Which leads us to our next point…
You’re looking for more than a hookup
Last winter, I experimentally opened a Tinder account and agreed to get drinks with a few guys who seemed interesting, smart, and unlikely to murder me.
To my surprise, every man I met said he was looking for a serious relationship. Three of them even made marriage proposals on the first date. (The first two were lighthearted, and therefore charming. The last was sincere, and therefore terrifying.) I deleted my account the next day. And there I was: a young woman quitting Tinder because she found the emotional commitment overwhelming.
It didn’t add up. Who were these monogamous bachelors? Where were the hookup barracudas that apparently swarmed big-city Tinder pools? My dates must’ve given me a false impression of modern single guys in general—right?
Wrong, according to a study conducted by Singles in America. No fewer than 68% of the men surveyed in 2016 said they wanted to find love that year, while only 12% of men said they wanted to date casually. That same year, the dating app Hinge reported that 87% of its users are open to a relationship, and 45% are exclusively looking for a long-term relationship.
Dating apps eat up your time
In 2014, Tinder reported that the average user logs in 11 times per day, spending up to 90 minutes per day swiping.
“Tinder’s hypnotic allure borrows from the same psychological process that addictively draws people to play slot machines,” writes Ross Rosenberg, L.C.P.C., a psychotherapist who specializes in addiction. “Tinder and slot machines similarly draw us in because of the potential for instant gratification.”
You’re busy, and dating apps are designed to manipulate your attention so you can’t focus on anything else. If you want to impress a woman, spend those 90 minutes learning another language. That’s hot.
Dating apps make users feel bad
Tinder users report having lower levels of self-worth than those who do not use Tinder, according to 2016 research by co-authors Jessica Strübel, Ph.D., and Trent Petrie, Ph.D. “We found that being actively involved with Tinder, regardless of the user’s gender, was associated with body dissatisfaction,” Strübel told the American Psychological Association.
Dating apps also offer many opportunities for rejection, which can take a toll on the confidence of users. “I tried dating apps for a while after a breakup,” says Keith N., 21, who had just graduated college. (Trust me: Smart, funny, and full of coyote facts, Keith is a catch.) But he didn’t match with anyone, and the process made him feel worse. “Every time I swiped it was like, ‘Well, I’m not with this girl. Or this girl. Or this girl.’ It makes you feel lonely.”
And he’s not alone in that loneliness—54% of singles on Hinge report feeling lonely after swiping on dating apps.
(And if you’re still committed to getting the whole online dating thing right? Here’s how to up your game—and find the woman for you.)
